私の性分として考へずにはゐられなくなりました。何うして私の心持が斯う變つたのでらう。いや何うして向ふが斯ふ變つたのだらう。私は突然死んだ父や母が、鈍い私の眼を洗つて、急に世の中が判然見えるやうにして呉れたのではないかと疑ひました。私は父や母が此世に居なくなつた後でも、居た時と同じやうに私を愛して呉れるものと、何處か心の奥で信じてゐたのです。尤も其頃でも私は決して理に暗い質ではありませんでした。然し先祖から讓られた迷信の塊も、強い力で私の血の中に潛んでゐたのです。今でも潛んでゐるでせう。
translation
"I couldn't help but think of it as my nature." How did my feelings change like this? No, I don't know why they changed their direction. I wondered if my father and mother, who died suddenly, had washed my dull eyes and suddenly made me see the world clearly. Somehow, deep down in my heart, I believed that even after my father and mother were no longer in this world, they would love me just as much as they did when they were here. Of course, even at that time, I was by no means a shady person. However, the mass of superstitions inherited from my ancestors was also deeply rooted in my blood. Even now, it's drowning.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 性分: nature (しょうぶん), disposition | 考: thought (こう), report on one’s investigation into …, deceased father | 何: what (なに), what (ナニ), you-know-what, you-know-what, that thing |
| 變: strange (へん), odd, peculiar, weird, curious | 突然死: sudden death (とつぜんし) | 父: father (あて), father (かそ), father (かぞ), father (しし), father (ちち) | 母: mother (あも), mother (いろは), mother (おも), mother (かか), mother (はは) |
| 眼: eye (め), eyeball, eyesight, sight, vision | 洗: primness (すまし), prim person, clear soup, water for rinsing sake cups (at a banquet, etc.), washing machine (せん) | 急: sudden (きゅう), abrupt, unexpected, urgent, pressing | 世: world (よ), society, public, life, lifetime |
| 判然: clear (はんぜん), distinct, evident, definite | 見: looking (み), viewing, (please) try (to), view (of life, etc.) (けん), outlook | 呉: go (ご), soy beans soaked and mashed to a creamy paste (ingredient of tofu and soy milk), Wu (region in China, south of the lower Yangtze), Wu (kingdom in China during the Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms era; 902-937 CE), Southern Wu | 疑: doubt (ぎ), distrust, suspicion (of) |
| 後: behind (あと), rear, after, later, remainder | 時: time (とき), hour, moment, occasion, case | 同: the same (どう), the said, likewise | 愛: love (あい), affection, care, attachment, craving |
| 心: mind (こころ), heart, spirit, the meaning of a phrase (riddle, etc.), heart (しん) | 奥: inner part (おく), interior, back (of a drawer, one’s throat, etc.), depths (e.g. of a forest), recesses (e.g. of a cave) | 信: honesty (しん), sincerity, fidelity, trust, reliance | 尤: superb (ゆう), outstanding |
| 理: reason (り), principle, logic, general principle (as opposed to individual concrete phenomenon), the underlying principles of the cosmos (in neo-Confucianism) | 暗: darkness (あん) | 質: quality (しつ), value, nature, inherent quality, character | 然: -like (ぜん), so (さ), like that, in that way, like that (しか) |
| 迷信: superstition (めいしん), superstitious belief | 塊: lump (かたまり), mass, bundle, clump, clod | 強: a little over (きょう), a little more than, strength, the strong, powerhouse | 力: force (ちから), strength, might, vigour, vigor |
| 今: now (いま), the present time, just now, soon, immediately |