「死んだ積で生きて行かうと決心した私の心は、時々外界の刺戟で躍り上がりました。然し私が何の方面かへ切つて出やうと思ひ立つや否や、恐ろしい力が何處からか出て來て、私の心をぐいと握り締めて少しも動けないやうにするのです。さうして其力が私に御前は何をする資格もない男だと抑え付けるやうに云つて聞かせます。すると私は其一言で直ぐたりと萎れて仕舞ひます。しばらくして又立ち上がらうとすると、又締め付けられます。私は齒を食ひしばつて、何で他の邪魔をするのかと怒鳴り付けます。不可思議な力は冷かな聲で笑ひます。自分で能く知つてゐる癖にと云ひます。私は又ぐたりとなります。
translation
"Determined to live on from the dead, my heart sometimes leaped with the stimuli of the outside world. He came out and gripped my heart so tightly that I could not move, and his power told me to hold him down as a man who had no right to do anything. After a while, when I tried to stand up again, they squeezed me again. The mysterious power laughs with a cold voice, and I say it in a habit I know very well.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 死: death (し), death (ﾀﾋ), decease, decease, (an) out | 積: product (せき), volume, area | 生: pure (き), undiluted, raw, crude, raw (なま) | 行: line (of text) (ぎょう), row, verse, carya (austerities), samskara (formations) |
| 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 心: mind (こころ), heart, spirit, the meaning of a phrase (riddle, etc.), heart (しん) | 時々: sometimes (ときどき), occasionally, at times, from time to time, now and then | 外界: outside world (がいかい), physical world |
| 刺戟: stimulus (しげき), stimulation, irritation (esp. of the body, e.g. skin, eyes), impetus, impulse | 上: above (うえ), over, up, top, summit | 然: -like (ぜん), so (さ), like that, in that way, like that (しか) | 何: what (なに), what (ナニ), you-know-what, you-know-what, that thing |
| 切: eager (せつ), earnest, ardent, kind, keen | 出: coming out (で), going out, outflow, efflux, rising (of the Sun or the Moon) | 否: no (ひ), the noes, no (いや), no (いな), nay | 恐: frightening (こわ), terrifying, yours sincerely (かしく), yours sincerely (かしこ), respectfully yours |
| 何處: where (いずく), where (いずこ), where (いづこ), where (いどこ), where (どこ) | 少: small (しょう), little, few | 動: motion (どう) | 御前: you (おまい), you (おまえ), presence (of a god, nobleman, etc.), presence (of a god, nobleman, etc.), presence (of a nobleman, the emperor, etc.) (ごぜ) |
| 男: man (おっこ), man (おとこ), male, male, fellow | 抑: in the first place (そもそも), to begin with, from the start, originally, ab initio | 付: furnished with (つき), furnished with (づき), furnished with (ツキ), including, including | 一言: single word (いちげん), single word (いちごん), single word (ひとこと), a few words, a few words |
| 萎: interpenetration of spirit between the poet and nature in a haiku (しおり) | 仕舞: end (しまい), close, finish, termination, noh dance in plain clothes | 齒: tooth (は), teeth | 食: food (し), food (しょく), food (じき), foodstuff, foodstuff |
| 邪魔: hindrance (じゃま), obstacle, nuisance, disturbance, interruption | 不可思議: mystery (ふかしぎ), something inexplicable, wonder, miracle, unfathomable (of a Buddha’s abilities) | 冷: refrigerator (れい), cold, cool, cold sake, cold water (ひや) | 聲: voice (こえ), singing (of a bird), chirping (of an insect), hoot, voice |
| 自分: myself (じぶん), yourself, oneself, himself, herself | 能: talent (のう), gift, function, noh (theatre) | 知: wisdom (ち), jnana (higher knowledge) | 癖: habit (usu. a bad one) (くせ), habit (usu. a bad one) (へき), habit (usu. a bad one) (クセ), tendency, tendency |