私はたゞ人間の罪といふものを深く感じたのです。其感じが私をＫの墓へ毎月行かせます。其感じが私に妻の母の看護をさせます。さうして其感じが妻に優しくして遣れと私に命じます。私は其感じのために、知らない路傍の人から鞭たれたいと迄思つた事もあります。斯うした階段を段々經過して行くうちに、人に鞭たれるよりも、自分で自分を鞭つ可きだといふ氣になります。自分で自分を鞭つよりも、自分で自分を殺すべきだといふ考が起ります。私は仕方がないから、死んだ氣で生きて行かうと決心しました。
translation
"I just deeply felt human sin." That feeling makes me go to K's grave every month. That feeling makes me take care of my wife's mother. That feeling commands me to be kind to my wife. Because of that feeling, I even wanted to be whipped by a stranger by the side of the road. Gradually, as you go through these steps, you come to the realization that you should be whipping yourself rather than being whipped by others. The thought arises that I should kill myself rather than whip myself. I can't help it, so I decided to live with dead Ki.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 人間: human being (にんげん), human, person, man, mankind | 罪: crime (つみ), sin, wrongdoing, indiscretion, penalty | 深: august (み), beautiful, growing late (ふけ), latening |
| Ｋ: K (ケイ), K (ケー), k, k, kilo- | 墓: grave (はか), gravesite, tomb | 毎月: every month (まいげつ), every month (まいつき), each month, each month, monthly | 行: line (of text) (ぎょう), row, verse, carya (austerities), samskara (formations) |
| 母: mother (あも), mother (いろは), mother (おも), mother (かか), mother (はは) | 看護: nursing (かんご), (army) nurse | 優: gentle (やさ), affectionate, Excellent (grade) (ゆう), A, superiority | 命: life (いのち), life force, lifetime, lifespan, most important thing |
| 路傍: roadside (ろぼう) | 人: -ian (e.g. Italian) (じん), -ite (e.g. Tokyoite), -er (e.g. performer, etc.), person working with …, man | 鞭: whip (ぶち), whip (むち), whip (ムチ), lash, lash | 事: thing (こと), thing (こん), matter, matter, incident |
| 段々: notches (ぎざぎざ), notches (ギザギザ), serration, serration, indentation | 行: line (of text) (ぎょう), row, verse, carya (austerities), samskara (formations) | 自分: myself (じぶん), yourself, oneself, himself, herself | 可: acceptable (か), satisfactory, allowed, permitted, approval |
| 考: thought (こう), report on one’s investigation into …, deceased father | 起: source (おこり), origin, cause, beginning, genesis | 仕方: way (しかた), method, means, resource, course | 死: death (し), death (ﾀﾋ), decease, decease, (an) out |
| 決心: determination (けっしん), resolution |