酒は止めたけれども、何もする氣にはなりません。仕方がないから書物を讀みます。然し讀めば讀んだなりで、打ち遣つて置きます。私は妻から何の爲に勉強するのかといふ質問を度々受けました。私はたゞ苦笑してゐました。然し腹の底では、世の中で自分が最も信愛してゐるたつた一人の人間すら、自分を理解してゐないのかと思ふと、悲しかつたのです。理解させる手段があるのに、理解させる勇氣が出せないのだと思ふと益悲しかつたのです。私は寂寞でした。何處からも切り離されて世の中にたつた一人住んでゐるやうな氣のした事も能くありました。
translation
"I stopped drinking, but I don't feel like doing anything." I have no choice but to read books. However, if I read it, I will write it down as I read it. My wife often asked me why I studied. I just smiled wryly. But deep down, I was saddened by the thought that even the one person I loved the most in the world didn't understand me. It made me sad to think that there were means to make people understand, but I couldn't find the courage to do so. I was lonely There were times when I felt like I was living alone in the world, cut off from everything.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 酒: alcohol (き), alcohol (くし), alcohol (さけ), alcohol (ささ), alcohol (しゅ) | 何: what (なに), what (ナニ), you-know-what, you-know-what, that thing | 氣: spirit (き), mind, heart, nature, disposition | 仕方: way (しかた), method, means, resource, course |
| 然: -like (ぜん), so (さ), like that, in that way, like that (しか) | 打: dozen (ダース), hitting a ball (with a bat, golf club, etc.) (だ), batting, stroke | 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 妻: wife (つま), garnish (esp. one served with sashimi), trimmings, accompaniment, side (remark) |
| 勉強: study (べんきょう), diligence, working hard, experience, lesson (for the future) | 質問: question (しつもん), inquiry, enquiry | 度々: often (たびたび), again and again, over and over again, repeatedly, frequently | 受: vedana (sensation) (じゅ) |
| 腹: abdomen (はら), belly, stomach, womb, one’s mind | 底: bottom (そこ), sole, base (logarithmic, exponential, number system) (てい), radix, base (triangle, cone, cylinder, etc.) | 世: world (よ), society, public, life, lifetime | 中: inside (なか), interior, among, within, middle |
| 最: the most (さい), the extreme, prime, conspicuous | 信愛: love and believe in (しんあい), intimacy | 一人: one person (いちにん), one person (ひとり), being alone, being alone, being by oneself | 人間: human being (にんげん), human, person, man, mankind |
| 悲: karuna (compassion) (ひ) | 手段: means (しゅだん), way, measure | 出: coming out (で), going out, outflow, efflux, rising (of the Sun or the Moon) | 寂寞: lonely (じゃくまく), lonely (せきばく), lonesome, lonesome, dreary |
| 切: eager (せつ), earnest, ardent, kind, keen | 離: li (one of the trigrams of the I Ching: fire, south) (り) | 一人: one person (いちにん), one person (ひとり), being alone, being alone, being by oneself | 住: dwelling (じゅう), living |
| 能: talent (のう), gift, function, noh (theatre) |