私は一層思ひ切つて、有の儘を妻に打ち明けやうとした事もあります。然しいざといふ間際になると自分以外のある力が不意に來て私を抑え付けるのです。私を理解してくれる貴方の事だから、説明する必要もあるまいと思ひますが、話すべき筋だから話して置きます。其時分の私は妻に對して己を飾る氣は丸でなかつたのです。もし私が亡友に對すると同じやうな善良な心で、妻の前に懺悔の言葉を竝べたなら、妻は嬉し涙をこぼしても私の罪を許してくれたに違ないのです。それを敢てしない私に利害の打算がある筈はありません。私はたゞ妻の記憶に暗黒な一點を印するに忍びなかつたから打ち明けなかつたのです。純白なものに一雫の印氣でも容赦なく振り掛けるのは、私にとつて大變な苦痛だつたのだと解釋して下さい。
translation
I even tried to take the plunge and confess my feelings to my wife. However, when it comes to the last minute, a force other than myself suddenly comes and holds me down. Since you are the one who understands me, I don't think there is a need to explain it, but since it's a topic I should be talking about, I'll leave it at that. At that time, I was in no mood to show myself off to my wife. If I had confessed my words of repentance to my wife with the same good heart as I did to my late friend, she would surely have forgiven me for my sins even though she cried tears of joy. I don't dare to do that. I didn't tell her because I didn't want to leave a dark spot in her memory. Please understand that it was a great pain for me to mercilessly sprinkle even a single drop of seal on a pure white object.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 一層: even more (いっそう), still more, all the more, more than ever, one layer | 切: eager (せつ), earnest, ardent, kind, keen | 有: existence (ゆう), possession, having, limited company, bhava (becoming, existence) (う) |
| 妻: wife (つま), garnish (esp. one served with sashimi), trimmings, accompaniment, side (remark) | 打: dozen (ダース), hitting a ball (with a bat, golf club, etc.) (だ), batting, stroke | 明: vidya (wisdom) (みょう), mantra, the coming (July 4, etc.), brightness (めい), discernment | 事: thing (こと), thing (こん), matter, matter, incident |
| 間際: the point just before … (まぎわ), the point of (doing), the verge (of), the eve (of), (just before the) edge | 自分: myself (じぶん), yourself, oneself, himself, herself | 以外: with the exception of (いがい), excepting, excluding | 以外: with the exception of (いがい), excepting, excluding |
| 不意: sudden (ふい), abrupt, unexpected, unforeseen | 抑: in the first place (そもそも), to begin with, from the start, originally, ab initio | 付: furnished with (つき), furnished with (づき), furnished with (ツキ), including, including | 理解: understanding (りかい), comprehension, appreciation, sympathy |
| 説明: explanation (せつめい), exposition, description, account, caption | 必要: necessary (ひつよう), needed, essential, indispensable, necessity | 話: talk (はなし), speech, chat, conversation, topic | 筋: muscle (すじ), muscle (スジ), tendon, tendon, sinew |
| 對: versus (たい), against, vs., v., to (e.g. score of 4 to 2, ratio of 3 to 1, vote of 320 to 180) | 己: oneself (itself, etc.) (おのれ), I, me, you, by oneself (itself, etc.) | 氣: spirit (き), mind, heart, nature, disposition | 丸: circle (まる), circle (マル), entirety, entirety, whole |
| 同: the same (どう), the said, likewise | 善良: good (person, nature, etc.) (ぜんりょう), good-natured, virtuous, honest | 心: mind (こころ), heart, spirit, the meaning of a phrase (riddle, etc.), heart (しん) | 前: point (さき), tip, end, nozzle, head (of a line) |
| 言葉: language (けとば), language (ことば), dialect, dialect, word | 涙: tear (なだ), tear (なみた), tear (なみだ), tear (なんだ), tears | 罪: crime (つみ), sin, wrongdoing, indiscretion, penalty | 許: only (ばかり), only (ばっかり), merely, merely, nothing but |
| 打算: calculation (ださん), self-interest, selfishness | 筈: should (be) (はず), bound (to be), expected (to be), must (be), nock (of a bow) | 記憶: memory (きおく), recollection, remembrance, memory, storage | 暗黒: darkness (あんこく) |
| 忍: endurance (にん), forbearance, patience, self-restraint, squirrel’s foot fern (Davallia mariesii) (しのぶ) | 純白: pure white (じゅんぱく), snow white | 一雫: one drop (of fluid) (いってき), one drop (of fluid) (ひとしずく) | 容赦: pardon (ようしゃ), forgiveness, tolerance, overlooking, leniency |
| 苦痛: pain (くつう), agony, suffering, distress, torment | 下: below (した), down, under, younger (e.g. daughter), bottom |