然し其先を何うしやうといふ分別は丸で起りません。恐らく起る丈の餘裕がなかつたのでせう。私は腋の下から出る氣味のわるい汗が襯衣に滲み透るのを凝と我慢して動かずにゐました。Ｋは其間何時もの通り重い口を切つては、ぽつり／＼と自分の心を打ち明けて行きます。私は苦しくつて堪りませんでした。恐らく其苦しさは、大きな廣告のやうに、私の顏の上に判然りした字で貼り付けられてあつたらうと私は思ふのです。いくらＫでも其所に氣の付かない筈はないのですが、彼は又彼で、自分の事に一切を集中してゐるから、私の表情などに注意する暇がなかつたのでせう。彼の自白は最初から最後まで同じ調子で貫ぬいてゐました。重くて鈍い代りに、とても容易な事では動かせないといふ感じを私に與へたのです。私の心は半分其自白を聞いてゐながら、半分何うしやう／＼といふ念に絶えず掻き亂されてゐましたから、細かい點になると殆んど耳へ入らないと同樣でしたが、それでも彼の口に出す言葉の調子だけは強く胸に響きました。そのために私は前いつた苦痛ばかりでなく、ときには一種の恐ろしさを感ずるやうになつたのです。つまり相手は自分より強いのだといふ恐怖の念が萌し始めたのです。
translation
However, there is no discernment as to what to do next. Probably because I didn't have enough time to get up. I stood motionless, holding back the nasty sweat from my armpits seeping through my underwear. In the meantime, as usual, K opened his heart with a heavy mouth. I couldn't stand the pain. I think that the agony is probably like a large advertisement, pasted on my face in clear handwriting. Even K couldn't have noticed that, but he was so focused on himself that he didn't have time to pay attention to my expression. His confession continued in the same tone from beginning to end. Instead of being heavy and dull, it gave me a feeling that something very easy would not move. While I was half listening to his confession, my mind was in a constant turmoil as I wondered what he was going to do. Only the tone of the words that came out strongly resonated in my heart. As a result, I felt not only the pain I had experienced before, but also a kind of dread at times. In other words, the fear that the opponent was stronger than me began to grow.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 然: -like (ぜん), so (さ), like that, in that way, like that (しか) | 何: what (なに), what (ナニ), you-know-what, you-know-what, that thing | 分別: discretion (ふんべつ), prudence, good sense, judgement, judgment | 丸: circle (まる), circle (マル), entirety, entirety, whole |
| 恐: frightening (こわ), terrifying, yours sincerely (かしく), yours sincerely (かしこ), respectfully yours | 丈: only (だけ), just, merely, simply, no more than | 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 腋: armpit (わき), under one’s arm, side, flank, beside |
| 出: coming out (で), going out, outflow, efflux, rising (of the Sun or the Moon) | 汗: sweat (あせ), perspiration, moisture, condensation, gulp | 襯衣: underwear (しんい), shirt (worn as an undergarment) | 凝: muscle stiffness (esp. in shoulders) (こり), muscle stiffness (esp. in shoulders) (しこり), lump (in tissue, esp. breast), lump (in tissue, esp. breast), swelling |
| 動: motion (どう) | Ｋ: K (ケイ), K (ケー), k, k, kilo- | 何時: when (いつ), at what time, how soon, normal times, ordinary days | 通: authority (つう), expert, connoisseur, well-informed person, counter for messages, letters, notes, documents, etc. |
| 口: mouth (くち), opening, hole, gap, orifice | 切: eager (せつ), earnest, ardent, kind, keen | 自分: myself (じぶん), yourself, oneself, himself, herself | 心: mind (こころ), heart, spirit, the meaning of a phrase (riddle, etc.), heart (しん) |
| 明: vidya (wisdom) (みょう), mantra, the coming (July 4, etc.), brightness (めい), discernment | 行: line (of text) (ぎょう), row, verse, carya (austerities), samskara (formations) | 苦: pain (く), anguish, suffering, distress, anxiety | 大: large (おお), big, great, major, important |
| 顏: face (かお), face (がん), visage, visage, look | 上: above (うえ), over, up, top, summit | 判然: clear (はんぜん), distinct, evident, definite | 字: section of village (あざ), character (esp. kanji) (じ), letter, written text, handwriting |
| 付: furnished with (つき), furnished with (づき), furnished with (ツキ), including, including | 其所: there (place relatively near listener) (そこ), there (place just mentioned), that place, then (of some incident just spoken of), that (of point just raised) | 氣: spirit (き), mind, heart, nature, disposition | 筈: should (be) (はず), bound (to be), expected (to be), must (be), nock (of a bow) |
| 事: thing (こと), thing (こん), matter, matter, incident | 一切: all (いっさい), everything, entirety, the whole, absolutely (not) | 集中: concentration (on a task) (しゅうちゅう), focusing one’s attention, concentration (of population, buildings, power, etc.), centralization, convergence | 表情: facial expression (ひょうじょう), countenance, look, appearance, expression (vocal, etc.) |
| 暇: spare time (いとま), spare time (ひま), spare time (ヒマ), free time, free time | 自白: confession (じはく), admission | 最初: beginning (さいしょ), outset, first, onset | 最後: end (さいご), conclusion, last, final, latest |
| 調子: tune (ちょうし), tone, key, pitch, time | 貫: kan (obs. unit of weight, approx. 3.75 kg, 8.3 lb) (かん), kan (obs. unit of currency, equiv. to 1000 mon in the Edo period; col. 10 mon in the Meiji period), counter for pieces of sushi, 10 points, 12 points | 鈍: dull (どん), dull (のろ), slow, slow, stupid | 代: substitution (しろ), material, price, margin (e.g. for stapling, etc.), area required for something |
| 感: feeling (かん), sensation, emotion, admiration, impression | 半分: half (はんぶん), half minute (はんぷん) | 自白: confession (じはく), admission | 半分: half (はんぶん), half minute (はんぷん) |
| 念: sense (ねん), idea, thought, feeling, desire | 絶: starting field which contains the November and/or December 20-point card (ぜつ) | 細: detail (さい), details, small (いささ), small (いさら), little | 殆: quite (ほとほと), utterly, really, completely |
| 入: entering (いり), setting (of the Sun), containing, content, audience | 言葉: language (けとば), language (ことば), dialect, dialect, word | 強: a little over (きょう), a little more than, strength, the strong, powerhouse | 胸: chest (むな), chest (むね), breast, breast, breasts |
| 前: point (さき), tip, end, nozzle, head (of a line) | 苦痛: pain (くつう), agony, suffering, distress, torment | 一種: a kind (いっしゅ), a sort, a variety, a species, of sorts | 相手: companion (あいて), partner, company, other party, addressee |