「私はそれから此手紙を書き出しました。平生筆を持ちつけない私には、自分の思ふやうに、事件なり思想なりが運ばないのが重い苦痛でした。私はもう少しで、貴方に對する私の此義務を放擲する所でした。然しいくら止さうと思つて筆を擱いても、何にもなりませんでした。私は一時間經たないうちに又書きたくなりました。貴方から見たら、是が義務の遂行を重んずる私の性格のやうに思はれるかも知れません。私もそれは否みません。私は貴方の知つてゐる通り、殆んど世間と交渉のない孤獨な人間ですから、義務といふ程の義務は、自分の左右前後を見廻しても、どの方角にも根を張つて居りません。故意か自然か、私はそれを出來る丈切り詰めた生活をしてゐたのです。けれども私は義務に冷淡だから斯うなつたのではありません。寧ろ鋭敏過ぎて刺戟に堪へる丈の精力がないから、御覧のやうに消極的な月日を送る事になつたのです。だから一旦約束した以上、それを果さないのは、大變厭な心持です。私はあなたに對して此厭な心持を避けるためにでも、擱いた筆を又取り上げなければならないのです。
translation
"After that, I wrote this letter. It was a great pain for me, who can't carry a pen, not to be able to carry out events and thoughts as I wanted. I'm almost ready to respond to you. I almost gave up on this duty, but no matter how much I tried to stop and put down my pen, nothing happened.In less than an hour, I wanted to write again. If you look at it from the outside, you might think that this is my personality, which places great importance on the performance of my duties. I'm a lonely person, so even if I look around my left, right, front, and back, I can't find any roots in any direction. However, I didn't do this because I was indifferent to my duties, but rather it was because I was too sensitive and didn't have the energy to withstand stimulation, and as you can see, I spent the days in a negative mood. That's why, once I've made a promise, it's very disgusting not to keep it.In order to avoid this disgusting feeling towards you, I have to pick up the brush again. .
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 手紙: letter (てがみ), missive, note, mail | 書: letter (ふみ), writings, book (しょ), document, calligraphy (esp. Chinese) | 出: coming out (で), going out, outflow, efflux, rising (of the Sun or the Moon) |
| 筆: writing brush (ひつ), writing brush (ふで), paintbrush, paintbrush, pen | 持: draw (in go, poetry contest, etc.) (じ), tie | 自分: myself (じぶん), yourself, oneself, himself, herself | 事件: event (じけん), affair, incident, case, plot |
| 運: fortune (うん), luck, chance | 重: chief (おも), main, principal, important, main secondary or supporting role (in kyogen) | 苦痛: pain (くつう), agony, suffering, distress, torment | 少: small (しょう), little, few |
| 對: versus (たい), against, vs., v., to (e.g. score of 4 to 2, ratio of 3 to 1, vote of 320 to 180) | 義務: duty (ぎむ), obligation, responsibility | 放擲: abandoning (ほうてき), giving up, quitting | 所: place (とこ), place (ところ), spot, spot, scene |
| 筆: writing brush (ひつ), writing brush (ふで), paintbrush, paintbrush, pen | 何: what (なに), what (ナニ), you-know-what, you-know-what, that thing | 一時: a (short) time (いっとき), a (short) time (ひととき), a while, a while, moment | 一時間: one hour (いちじかん) |
| 是: here (ここ), this place, this point, here, now | 義務: duty (ぎむ), obligation, responsibility | 遂行: accomplishment (すいこう), execution | 性格: character (of a person) (せいかく), personality, disposition, nature, characteristics |
| 否: no (ひ), the noes, no (いや), no (いな), nay | 通: authority (つう), expert, connoisseur, well-informed person, counter for messages, letters, notes, documents, etc. | 殆: quite (ほとほと), utterly, really, completely | 世間: world (せけん), society, people, the public |
| 人間: human being (にんげん), human, person, man, mankind | 程: extent (ほど), degree, measure, limit, bounds | 左右: left and right (さう), left and right (さゆう), left and right (そう), right and left, right and left | 前後: front and rear (ぜんご), front and back, before and behind, back and forth, before and after |
| 方角: direction (ほうがく), way, point of the compass, cardinal direction, bearing | 根: root (of a plant) (ね), root (of a tooth, hair, etc.), center (of a pimple, etc.), root (of all evil, etc.), source | 張: Chinese “Extended Net” constellation (one of the 28 mansions) (ちょう), counter for objects with stretched strings (i.e. bows, kotos), curtains, papers, etc. | 居: residence (きょ), being (somewhere) (い), sitting |
| 自然: nature (しぜん), natural, spontaneous, automatic, naturally | 詰: stuffing (つめ), stuffing (づめ), packing, packing, end (esp. the foot of a bridge) | 生活: life (せいかつ), living, livelihood, (one’s) living | 冷淡: cool (れいたん), indifferent, apathetic, half-hearted, cold |
| 鋭敏: sharp (えいびん), keen, acute | 過: surplus- (か), excess-, over-, per- (chemical with more of a certain element than found in other compounds of the same constituents) | 刺戟: stimulus (しげき), stimulation, irritation (esp. of the body, e.g. skin, eyes), impetus, impulse | 丈: only (だけ), just, merely, simply, no more than |
| 御覧: (please) try to (ごらん), (please) look, seeing, looking, watching | 消極的: negative (しょうきょくてき), passive, half-hearted, unmotivated | 月日: time (つきひ), years, days, (one’s) life, the Moon and the Sun | 事: thing (こと), thing (こん), matter, matter, incident |
| 約束: promise (やくそく), agreement, arrangement, one’s word, contract | 約束: promise (やくそく), agreement, arrangement, one’s word, contract | 以上: not less than … (いじょう), … and over, … and above, … and upwards, … or more | 果: phala (attained state, result) (か), enlightenment (as the fruits of one’s Buddhist practice), fruit, counter for pieces of fruit, end (はたて) |
| 上: above (うえ), over, up, top, summit |