「‥‥私は此夏あなたから二三度手紙を受け取りました。東京で相當の地位を得たいから宜しく頼むと書いてあつたのは、たしか二度目に手に入つたものと記憶してゐます。私はそれを讀んだ時何とかしたいと思つたのです。少なくとも返事を上げなければ濟まんとは考へたのです。然し自白すると、私はあなたの依頼に對して、丸で努力をしなかつたのです。御承知の通り、交際區域の狹いといふよりも、世の中にたつた一人で暮してゐるといつた方が適切な位の私には、さういふ努力を敢てする餘地が全くないのです。然しそれは問題ではありません。實をいふと、私はこの自分を何うすれば好いのかと思ひ煩らつてゐた所なのです。此儘人間の中に取り殘されたミイラの樣に存在して行かうか、それとも‥‥其時分の私は『それとも』といふ言葉を心のうちで繰り返すたびにぞつとしました。馳足で絶壁の端迄來て、急に底の見えない谷を覗き込んだ人のやうに。私は卑怯でした。さうして多くの卑怯な人と同じ程度に於て煩悶したのです。遺憾ながら、其時の私には、あなたといふものが殆んど存在してゐなかつたと云つても誇張ではありません。一歩進めていふと、あなたの地位、あなたの糊口の資、そんなものは私にとつて丸で無意味なのでした。何うでも構はなかつたのです。私はそれ所の騒ぎでなかつたのです。私は状差へ貴方の手紙を差したなり、依然として腕組をして考へ込んでゐました。宅に相應の財産があるものが、何を苦しんで、卒業するかしないのに、地位々々といつて藻掻き廻るのか。私は寧ろ苦々しい氣分で、遠くにゐる貴方に斯んな一瞥を與へた丈でした。私は返事を上げなければ濟まない貴方に對して、言譯のために斯んな事を打ち明けるのです。あなたを怒らすためにわざと無躾な言葉を弄するのではありません。私の本意は後を御覧になれば能く解る事と信じます。兎に角私は何とか挨拶すべきところを默つてゐたのですから、私は此怠慢の罪をあなたの前に謝したいと思ひます。
translation
"... I have received two or three letters from you this summer. I remember that it was the second time that I received the letter in which you said that you would like to receive a certain position in Tokyo. When I read it, I thought that I should do something about it, or at least give you an answer. As you know, it would be more appropriate to say that I live alone in the world rather than say that the social circle is narrow, so I dared to make such an effort. But that's not the problem.To tell you the truth, I was wondering what to do with myself. Shall I continue to exist like a mummy, or... At that time I was horrified each time I repeated the word "or" in my mind. Like a person peering into an invisible valley, I was a coward, and I suffered on the same level as many cowardly people. It would not be an exaggeration to say that things were almost non-existent, and when you go one step further, your status, your starting point, all of those things were meaningless to me. I put your letter in my letter, and still folded my arms and thought. What kind of suffering do some people have to endure, even though they may or may not graduate? To you, who has to answer, I am telling you this for the sake of my speech. No. I believe that you will understand my true intentions when you see what happens next.In spite of myself, I managed to keep quiet where I should have greeted you, so I apologize to you for this sin of negligence. I would like to
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 二三: two or three (にさん) | 手紙: letter (てがみ), missive, note, mail | 受: vedana (sensation) (じゅ) | 取: taking (とり), taker, collecting, collector, remover |
| 地位: (social) position (ちい), status, standing, position (in a company, organization, etc.), post | 得: profit (とく), advantage, benefit, gain, rebirth in paradise, entering nirvana | 宜: truly (うべ), truly (むべ), indeed, indeed | 書: letter (ふみ), writings, book (しょ), document, calligraphy (esp. Chinese) |
| 手: hand (て), arm, forepaw, foreleg, handle | 入: entering (いり), setting (of the Sun), containing, content, audience | 記憶: memory (きおく), recollection, remembrance, memory, storage | 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) |
| 返事: reply (へんじ), answer, response | 上: above (うえ), over, up, top, summit | 考: thought (こう), report on one’s investigation into …, deceased father | 然: -like (ぜん), so (さ), like that, in that way, like that (しか) |
| 依頼: request (いらい), commission, entrusting (with a matter), dependence, reliance | 對: versus (たい), against, vs., v., to (e.g. score of 4 to 2, ratio of 3 to 1, vote of 320 to 180) | 丸: circle (まる), circle (マル), entirety, entirety, whole | 努力: effort (どりょく), exertion, endeavour, endeavor, hard work |
| 通: authority (つう), expert, connoisseur, well-informed person, counter for messages, letters, notes, documents, etc. | 交際: company (こうさい), friendship, association, society, acquaintance | 世: world (よ), society, public, life, lifetime | 中: inside (なか), interior, among, within, middle |
| 暮: sunset (くれ), sundown, nightfall, dusk, end | 方: direction (かた), way, person, lady, gentleman | 適切: appropriate (てきせつ), suitable, fitting, apt, proper | 位: throne (くらい), crown, (nobleman’s) seat, government position, court rank |
| 全: all (ぜん), whole, entire, complete, total | 問題: question (e.g. on a test) (もんだい), problem, problem (e.g. societal, political), question, issue | 自分: myself (じぶん), yourself, oneself, himself, herself | 何: what (なに), what (ナニ), you-know-what, you-know-what, that thing |
| 煩: trouble (はん) | 所: place (とこ), place (ところ), spot, spot, scene | 人間: human being (にんげん), human, person, man, mankind | 存在: existence (そんざい), being, presence |
| 時分: time (じぶん), hour, season, time of the year | 言葉: language (けとば), language (ことば), dialect, dialect, word | 心: mind (こころ), heart, spirit, the meaning of a phrase (riddle, etc.), heart (しん) | 返: number of times (へん), reply, answer |
| 急: sudden (きゅう), abrupt, unexpected, urgent, pressing | 底: bottom (そこ), sole, base (logarithmic, exponential, number system) (てい), radix, base (triangle, cone, cylinder, etc.) | 見: looking (み), viewing, (please) try (to), view (of life, etc.) (けん), outlook | 谷: valley (たに) |
| 卑怯: cowardly (ひきょう), craven, unfair, mean, sneaky | 多: multi- (た) | 同: the same (どう), the said, likewise | 程度: degree (ていど), amount, grade, standard, of the order of (following a number) |
| 煩悶: worry (はんもん), agony | 遺憾: regrettable (いかん), unsatisfactory, deplorable, lamentable | 殆: quite (ほとほと), utterly, really, completely | 誇張: exaggeration (こちょう) |
| 糊口: bare livelihood (ここう), subsistence | 資: funds (し), capital, material, basis, character | 無意味: nonsense (むいみ), no meaning, meaningless | 構: structure (かまえ), construction, appearance, posture (e.g. in martial arts), pose |
| 手紙: letter (てがみ), missive, note, mail | 差: difference (さ), variation, difference, between (e.g. two people) (さし), between (e.g. two people) (サシ) | 依然: still (いぜん), as yet, as it has been | 腕組: folding one’s arms (うでぐみ) |
| 財産: property (ざいさん), fortune, assets | 苦: pain (く), anguish, suffering, distress, anxiety | 卒業: graduation (そつぎょう), completion (of a course), moving on (from), outgrowing (something), leaving (a group, company, etc.) | 地位: (social) position (ちい), status, standing, position (in a company, organization, etc.), post |
| 遠: distant (とお) | 一瞥: a glance (いちべつ), a look, a glimpse | 丈: only (だけ), just, merely, simply, no more than | 事: thing (こと), thing (こん), matter, matter, incident |
| 明: vidya (wisdom) (みょう), mantra, the coming (July 4, etc.), brightness (めい), discernment | 無躾: ill-bred (ぶしつけ), impolite, rude, impudent, insolent | 本意: real intention (ほい), real intention (ほんい), true motive, true motive, true will | 後: behind (あと), rear, after, later, remainder |
| 能: talent (のう), gift, function, noh (theatre) | 解: solution (of an equation, inequality, etc.) (かい), root (e.g. of a polynomial), solution (to a given problem), answer, explanation | 信: honesty (しん), sincerity, fidelity, trust, reliance | 兎: rabbit (う), rabbit (うさぎ), rabbit (ウサギ), hare, hare |
| 怠慢: negligence (たいまん), neglect, carelessness, procrastination | 罪: crime (つみ), sin, wrongdoing, indiscretion, penalty | 前: point (さき), tip, end, nozzle, head (of a line) |