然しこれはたゞ思ひ出した序に書いた丈で、實は何うでも構はない點です。たゞ其所に何うでも可くない事が一つあつたのです。茶の間か、さもなければ御孃さんの室で、突然男の聲が聞こえるのです。其聲が又私の客と違つて、頗ぶる低いのです。だから何を話してゐるのか丸で分らないのです。さうして分らなければ分らない程、私の神經に一種の昂奮を與へるのです。私は坐つてゐて變にいら／＼し出します。私はあれは親類なのだらうか、それとも唯の知り合ひなのだらうかとまづ考へて見るのです。夫から若い男だらうか年輩の人だらうかと思案して見るのです。坐つてゐてそんな事の知れやう筈がありません。さうかと云つて、起つて行つて障子を開けて見る譯には猶行きません。私の神經は震へるといふよりも、大きな波動を打つて私を苦しめます。私は客の歸つた後で、屹度忘れずに其人の名を聞きました。御孃さんや奥さんの返事は、又極めて簡單でした。私は物足りない顏を二人に見せながら、物足りる迄追窮する勇氣を有つてゐなかつたのです。權利は無論有つてゐなかつたのでせう。私は自分の品格を重んじなければならないといふ教育から來た自尊心と、現に其自尊心を裏切してゐる物欲しさうな顏付とを同時に彼等の前に示すのです。彼等は笑ひました。それが嘲笑の意味でなくつて、好意から來たものか、又好意らしく見せる積なのか、私は即坐に解釋の餘地を見出し得ない程落付を失つてしまふのです。さうして事が濟んだ後で、いつまでも、馬鹿にされたのだ、馬鹿にされたんぢやなからうかと、何遍も心のうちで繰り返すのです。
translation
However, this is just what I wrote at the beginning of my recollection, and in fact it doesn't really matter. However, there was one thing that could not be helped. A man's voice is suddenly heard in the living room, or in the daughter's room. His voice was also very low, unlike that of my guest. So I have no idea what you are talking about. In this way, it gives me a kind of excitement that I cannot understand unless I understand it. I sit and start to change. I wondered if it was a relative or just an acquaintance. From my husband, I wonder if it's a young man or an old man. There's no way I could find out about that while sitting there. There is no excuse for getting up and opening the shoji screens. Rather than trembling, my divine sutra hits me with great vibrations and torments me. After my guest came home, I often asked him for his name. The response from the daughter and wife was also extremely simple. Although I showed them a dissatisfied face, I didn't have the courage to pursue them until I was satisfied. Of course, I didn't have the right to do so. I show them both the self-respect that came from my education that I must respect my own dignity, and a wistful look that betrays that self-respect at the same time. They laughed. I don't mean it as a ridicule, but whether it's out of goodwill or just trying to make it look like it's goodwill, I'm so frustrated that I can't immediately find a solution. After things have settled down like this, I keep repeating to myself over and over in my mind that I have been made fun of.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 然: -like (ぜん), so (さ), like that, in that way, like that (しか) | 出: coming out (で), going out, outflow, efflux, rising (of the Sun or the Moon) | 序: opportunity (ついで), occasion, chance, order, sequence | 書: letter (ふみ), writings, book (しょ), document, calligraphy (esp. Chinese) |
| 何: what (なに), what (ナニ), you-know-what, you-know-what, that thing | 構: structure (かまえ), construction, appearance, posture (e.g. in martial arts), pose | 其所: there (place relatively near listener) (そこ), there (place just mentioned), that place, then (of some incident just spoken of), that (of point just raised) | 可: acceptable (か), satisfactory, allowed, permitted, approval |
| 一: one (いち), 1, best, first, foremost | 茶: tea (ちゃ), tea plant (Camellia sinensis), tea preparation, making tea, brown | 間: space (between) (あいだ), space (between) (あわい), gap, gap, interval | 室: room (しつ), wife (of someone of high rank), scabbard, Chinese “Encampment” constellation (one of the 28 mansions), greenhouse (むろ) |
| 男: man (おっこ), man (おとこ), male, male, fellow | 聲: voice (こえ), singing (of a bird), chirping (of an insect), hoot, voice | 客: guest (かく), guest (きゃく), visitor, visitor, customer | 低: low (level, value, price, etc.) (てい) |
| 丸: circle (まる), circle (マル), entirety, entirety, whole | 分: minute (unit of time) (ふん), fun (one tenth of a monme, 5.787 grains), one-tenth (ぶ), one percent (one-tenth of a wari), 3 mm (one-tenth of a sun) | 一種: a kind (いっしゅ), a sort, a variety, a species, of sorts | 昂奮: excitement (こうふん), stimulation, agitation, arousal |
| 變: strange (へん), odd, peculiar, weird, curious | 親類: relative (しんるい), relation, kin | 唯: ordinary (ただ), ordinary (タダ), common, common, usual | 知: wisdom (ち), jnana (higher knowledge) |
| 考: thought (こう), report on one’s investigation into …, deceased father | 見: looking (み), viewing, (please) try (to), view (of life, etc.) (けん), outlook | 夫: husband (おっと), male (お), manly, brave, heroic | 若: youth (わか), child (esp. of the young son of someone of high social standing), young, new, like (こと) |
| 年輩: (approximate) age (ねんぱい), years, elderly, old, aged | 人: -ian (e.g. Italian) (じん), -ite (e.g. Tokyoite), -er (e.g. performer, etc.), person working with …, man | 思案: careful thought (しあん), consideration, deliberation, reflection, rumination | 筈: should (be) (はず), bound (to be), expected (to be), must (be), nock (of a bow) |
| 行: line (of text) (ぎょう), row, verse, carya (austerities), samskara (formations) | 障子: shoji (paper sliding door) (しょうじ) | 震: zhen (one of the trigrams of the I Ching: thunder, east) (しん) | 大: large (おお), big, great, major, important |
| 打: dozen (ダース), hitting a ball (with a bat, golf club, etc.) (だ), batting, stroke | 苦: pain (く), anguish, suffering, distress, anxiety | 後: behind (あと), rear, after, later, remainder | 屹度: surely (きっと), surely (キッと), undoubtedly, undoubtedly, almost certainly |
| 奥: inner part (おく), interior, back (of a drawer, one’s throat, etc.), depths (e.g. of a forest), recesses (e.g. of a cave) | 返事: reply (へんじ), answer, response | 顏: face (かお), face (がん), visage, visage, look | 二人: two persons (ににん), two persons (ふたり), two people, two people, pair |
| 有: existence (ゆう), possession, having, limited company, bhava (becoming, existence) (う) | 無論: of course (むろん), certainly, naturally | 有: existence (ゆう), possession, having, limited company, bhava (becoming, existence) (う) | 自分: myself (じぶん), yourself, oneself, himself, herself |
| 重: chief (おも), main, principal, important, main secondary or supporting role (in kyogen) | 教育: education (きょういく), schooling, training, instruction, teaching | 自尊心: self-esteem (じそんしん), self-respect, self-importance, conceit, pride | 現: reality (うつつ), consciousness, present (e.g. government, administration) (げん), current, existing |
| 物欲: worldly desires (ぶつよく), materialistic desires | 同時: simultaneous (どうじ), concurrent, same time, synchronous, together | 彼等: they (かれら), them, those (あれら), they, they (of people) | 前: point (さき), tip, end, nozzle, head (of a line) |
| 嘲笑: scornful laughter (ちょうしょう), ridicule, derision, sneer | 意味: meaning (いみ), significance, sense | 好意: kindness (こうい), favor, favour, friendliness, goodwill | 好意: kindness (こうい), favor, favour, friendliness, goodwill |
| 餘地: place (よち), room, margin, scope | 得: profit (とく), advantage, benefit, gain, rebirth in paradise, entering nirvana | 失: loss (of something) (しつ), disadvantage, mistake, error, failure | 馬鹿: idiot (ばか), idiot (バカ), moron, moron, fool |
| 心: mind (こころ), heart, spirit, the meaning of a phrase (riddle, etc.), heart (しん) | 返: number of times (へん), reply, answer |