私は二人の後に茫然として取り殘されました。私には知識もなく、經驗もなく、また分別もありませんでした。父の死ぬ時、母は傍に居る事が出來ませんでした。母の死ぬ時、母には父の死んだ事さへまだ知らせてなかつたのです。母はそれを覺つてゐたか、又は傍のものゝ云ふ如く、實際父は囘復期に向ひつゝあるものと信じてゐたか、それは分りません。母はたゞ伯父に萬事を頼んでゐました。其所に居合せた私を指さすやうにして、『此子をどうぞ何分』と云ひました。私は其前から兩親の許可を得て、東京へ出る筈になつてゐましたので、母はそれも序に云ふ積らしかつたのです。それで『東京へ』とだけ付け加へましたら、伯父がすぐ後を引き取つて、『よろしい決して心配しないがいゝ』と答へました。母は強い熱に堪へ得る體質の女なんでしたらうか、伯父は『確かりしたものだ』と云つて、私に向つて母の事を褒めてゐました。然しこれが果して母の遺言であつたのか何うだか、今考へると分らないのです。母は無論父の罹つた病氣の恐るべき名前を知つてゐたのです。さうして、自分がそれに傳染してゐた事も承知してゐたのです。けれども自分は屹度此病氣で命を取られると迄信じてゐたかどうか、其所になると疑ふ餘地はまだ幾何でもあるだらうと思はれるのです。其上熱の高い時に出る母の言葉は、いかにそれが筋道の通つた明かなものにせよ、一向記憶となつて母の頭に影さへ殘してゐない事がしば／＼あつたのです。だから‥‥然しそんな事は問題ではありません。たゞ斯ういふ風に物を解きほどいて見たり、又ぐる／＼廻して眺めたりする癖は、もう其時分から、私にはちやんと備はつてゐたのです。それは貴方にも始めから御斷りして置かなければならないと思ひますが、其實例としては當面の問題に大した關係のない斯んな記述が、却つて役に立ちはしないかと考へます。貴方の方でもまあその積で讀んで下さい。此性分が倫理的に個人の行爲や動作の上に及んで、私は後來益他の徳義心を疑ふやうになつたのだらうと思ふのです。それが私の煩悶や苦惱に向つて、積極的に大きな力を添へてゐるのは慥ですから覺えてゐて下さい。
translation
"I was left stunned after the two of them." I had no knowledge, no experience, no sense. When my father died, my mother was unable to be by his side. When my mother died, I had not yet informed her of my father's death. I don't know if my mother remembered this, or if my father actually believed that he was on the verge of a relapse, as others said. My mother used to ask my uncle for everything. As if pointing at me who was there, he said, ``How long have you been here?'' I had already obtained permission from my parents to go to Tokyo, so my mother seemed to have said that as well. So when I simply added, "To Tokyo," my uncle took over immediately and replied, "It's fine, don't worry about it." I wondered if my mother had the build to endure a strong heat. However, now that I think about it, I don't know if this was really my mother's will. Of course my mother knew the terrible name of my father's illness. Thus, I knew that I had been infected with it. However, whether or not I once believed that this disease would take my life, it seems that there is still some doubt about it. On top of that, no matter how coherent or clear the words my mother said when her fever was high, they often became memories and didn't leave a shadow in her head. is. So... it doesn't matter. Since then, I had already developed the habit of untangling things and looking at them, turning them around and looking at them. I think you should keep that to yourself from the beginning, but as a concrete example, I think that such a description, which has little to do with the problem at hand, might be useful on the contrary. I hope you will read it with that sum as well. I think that this tendency has ethically overtaken the actions and actions of individuals, and that in the future I have come to doubt the ethics of others. Please remember that it is positively contributing a great deal of strength to my anguish and anguish.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 二人: two persons (ににん), two persons (ふたり), two people, two people, pair | 後: behind (あと), rear, after, later, remainder | 茫然: dumbfounded (ぼうぜん), dumbfounded (もうぜん), dumbfounded (ボーゼン), overcome with surprise, overcome with surprise |
| 知識: knowledge (ちしき), information | 分別: discretion (ふんべつ), prudence, good sense, judgement, judgment | 父: father (あて), father (かそ), father (かぞ), father (しし), father (ちち) | 死: death (し), death (ﾀﾋ), decease, decease, (an) out |
| 居: residence (きょ), being (somewhere) (い), sitting | 事: thing (こと), thing (こん), matter, matter, incident | 母: mother (あも), mother (いろは), mother (おも), mother (かか), mother (はは) | 知: wisdom (ち), jnana (higher knowledge) |
| 如: tathata (the ultimate nature of all things) (にょ), like (こと), like (ごと), like (もころ), similar to | 信: honesty (しん), sincerity, fidelity, trust, reliance | 分: minute (unit of time) (ふん), fun (one tenth of a monme, 5.787 grains), one-tenth (ぶ), one percent (one-tenth of a wari), 3 mm (one-tenth of a sun) | 伯父: uncle (おじ), uncle (しゅくふ), uncle (はくふ), uncle (one’s father’s older brother) (えおじ) |
| 居合: iai (いあい), art of drawing one’s sword, cutting down one’s opponent and sheathing the sword afterwards | 指: finger (おゆび), finger (および), finger (ゆび), toe, toe | 何分: some (なにぶん), any, (a) little, of some kind, of some sort | 許可: permission (きょか), approval, authorization, license |
| 東京: Tokyo (とうきょう), Tokyo (とうけい) | 出: coming out (で), going out, outflow, efflux, rising (of the Sun or the Moon) | 筈: should (be) (はず), bound (to be), expected (to be), must (be), nock (of a bow) | 序: opportunity (ついで), occasion, chance, order, sequence |
| 東京: Tokyo (とうきょう), Tokyo (とうけい) | 付: furnished with (つき), furnished with (づき), furnished with (ツキ), including, including | 加: addition (か), Canada | 引: -off (price reduction) (びき), discount, -coated, -plated |
| 心配: worry (しんぱい), concern, anxiety, uneasiness, fear | 答: answer (こたえ), reply, response, answer, solution | 強: a little over (きょう), a little more than, strength, the strong, powerhouse | 熱: heat (ねつ), fever, temperature, zeal, passion |
| 然: -like (ぜん), so (さ), like that, in that way, like that (しか) | 果: phala (attained state, result) (か), enlightenment (as the fruits of one’s Buddhist practice), fruit, counter for pieces of fruit, end (はたて) | 遺言: will (いげん), will (いごん), will (ゆいごん), testament, testament | 何: what (なに), what (ナニ), you-know-what, you-know-what, that thing |
| 父: father (あて), father (かそ), father (かぞ), father (しし), father (ちち) | 病氣: illness (usu. excluding minor ailments, e.g. common cold) (びょうき), disease, sickness, bad habit, bad behaviour | 恐: frightening (こわ), terrifying, yours sincerely (かしく), yours sincerely (かしこ), respectfully yours | 名前: name (なまえ), given name, first name |
| 承知: knowledge (しょうち), awareness, acceptance, consent, assent | 屹度: surely (きっと), surely (キッと), undoubtedly, undoubtedly, almost certainly | 病氣: illness (usu. excluding minor ailments, e.g. common cold) (びょうき), disease, sickness, bad habit, bad behaviour | 命: life (いのち), life force, lifetime, lifespan, most important thing |
| 餘地: place (よち), room, margin, scope | 幾何: geometry (きか), how much (いくばく), how many, what amount, what extent | 高: quantity (たか), quantity (だか), amount, amount, volume | 時: time (とき), hour, moment, occasion, case |
| 筋道: reason (すじみち), logic, method, system, order | 通: authority (つう), expert, connoisseur, well-informed person, counter for messages, letters, notes, documents, etc. | 明: vidya (wisdom) (みょう), mantra, the coming (July 4, etc.), brightness (めい), discernment | 一向: intently (ひたすら), single-mindedly, devotedly, solely, earnestly |
| 記憶: memory (きおく), recollection, remembrance, memory, storage | 頭: counter for large animals (e.g. head of cattle) (とう), counter for insects in a collection, counter for helmets, masks, etc., head (あたま), head (かしら) | 影: shadow (かげ), silhouette, figure, shape, reflection | 問題: question (e.g. on a test) (もんだい), problem, problem (e.g. societal, political), question, issue |
| 物: thing (もの), thing (もん), thing (モノ), object, object | 解: solution (of an equation, inequality, etc.) (かい), root (e.g. of a polynomial), solution (to a given problem), answer, explanation | 見: looking (み), viewing, (please) try (to), view (of life, etc.) (けん), outlook | 癖: habit (usu. a bad one) (くせ), habit (usu. a bad one) (へき), habit (usu. a bad one) (クセ), tendency, tendency |
| 貴方: your home (きほう), your residence, you (referring to one’s equal; epistolary style), you (あなた), dear | 大: large (おお), big, great, major, important | 記述: description (きじゅつ), account | 役: war (えき), war (えだち), campaign, campaign, battle |
| 方: direction (かた), way, person, lady, gentleman | 下: below (した), down, under, younger (e.g. daughter), bottom | 性分: nature (しょうぶん), disposition | 倫理的: ethical (りんりてき) |
| 動作: movement (of the body) (どうさ), action, motion, gesture, bearing | 上: above (うえ), over, up, top, summit | 及: and (および), as well as | 徳義心: moral sense (とくぎしん) |
| 積極的: positive (せっきょくてき), assertive, active, proactive, aggressive | 力: force (ちから), strength, might, vigour, vigor |