私はそれ迄躊躇してゐた自分の心を、一思ひに相手の胸へ擲き付けやうかと考へ出しました。私の相手といふのは御孃さんではありません、奥さんの事です。奥さんに御孃さんを呉れろと明白な談判を開かうかと考へたのです。然しさう決心しながら、一日／＼と私は斷行の日を延ばして行つたのです。さういふと私はいかにも優柔な男のやうに見えます、又見えても構ひませんが、實際私の進みかねたのは、意志の力に不足があつた爲ではありません。Ｋの來ないうちは、他の手に乘るのが厭だといふ我慢が私を抑え付けて、一歩も動けないやうにしてゐました。Ｋの來た後は、もしかすると御孃さんがＫの方に意があるのではなからうかといふ疑念が絶えず私を制するやうになつたのです。果して御孃さんが私よりもＫに心を傾むけてゐるならば、此戀は口へ云ひ出す價値のないものと私は決心してゐたのです。恥を掻かせられるのが辛いなどゝ云ふのとは少し譯が違ます。此方でいくら思つても、向ふが内心他の人に愛の眼を注いでゐるならば、私はそんな女と一所になるのは厭なのです。世の中では否應なしに自分の好いた女を嫁に貰つて嬉しがつてゐる人もありますが、それは私達より餘つ程世間ずれのした男か、さもなければ愛の心理がよく呑み込めない鈍物のする事と、當時の私は考へてゐたのです。一度貰つて仕舞へば何うか斯うか落ち付くものだ位の哲理では、承知する事が出來ない位私は熱してゐました。つまり私は極めて高尚な愛の理論家だつたのです。同時に尤も迂遠な愛の實際家だつたのです。
translation
I thought of throwing my heart, which had been hesitant until then, into the other person's chest. My partner is not my daughter, but my wife. I was thinking of holding a clear negotiation to give my wife a daughter. While making up my mind, I postponed the day of my absence by one day. Now that I think about it, I do look like a gentle man, and I don't mind if I do, but the fact that I couldn't move forward wasn't because I lacked willpower. Until K came, my reluctance to take another hand was holding me back and preventing me from moving a single step. After K's arrival, I was constantly overwhelmed by suspicions that perhaps the daughter might have feelings for K. I had decided that if the daughter was more interested in K than I was, then this relationship was not worth talking about. It's not the same as saying that it hurts to be embarrassed. No matter how much I think about it, if the other person has a loving eye on other people, I don't want to be in one place with that kind of woman. In this world, there are people who are happy to be married to the woman they liked, but it is either a man who is much more out of the world than we are, or else the psychology of love is dull. At that time, I was thinking about what things do. I was so frustrated that I couldn't accept the philosophy that once I received it, I would somehow calm down. In other words, I was a very lofty theorist of love. At the same time, he was a person who practiced the most roundabout love.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 躊躇: hesitation (ちゅうちょ), indecision, vacillation | 自分: myself (じぶん), yourself, oneself, himself, herself | 心: mind (こころ), heart, spirit, the meaning of a phrase (riddle, etc.), heart (しん) |
| 胸: chest (むな), chest (むね), breast, breast, breasts | 付: furnished with (つき), furnished with (づき), furnished with (ツキ), including, including | 考: thought (こう), report on one’s investigation into …, deceased father | 出: coming out (で), going out, outflow, efflux, rising (of the Sun or the Moon) |
| 事: thing (こと), thing (こん), matter, matter, incident | 呉: go (ご), soy beans soaked and mashed to a creamy paste (ingredient of tofu and soy milk), Wu (region in China, south of the lower Yangtze), Wu (kingdom in China during the Five Dynasties and Ten Kingdoms era; 902-937 CE), Southern Wu | 明白: obvious (めいはく), clear, plain, evident, apparent | 談判: negotiations (だんぱん), bargaining, talks, making demands |
| 決心: determination (けっしん), resolution | 一日: one day (いちじつ), one day (いちにち), all day (long), all day (long), the whole day | 日: day (ひ), days, sun, sunshine, sunlight | 行: line (of text) (ぎょう), row, verse, carya (austerities), samskara (formations) |
| 男: man (おっこ), man (おとこ), male, male, fellow | 見: looking (み), viewing, (please) try (to), view (of life, etc.) (けん), outlook | 構: structure (かまえ), construction, appearance, posture (e.g. in martial arts), pose | 意志: will (いし), volition, intention, intent, determination |
| 不足: insufficiency (ふそく), deficiency, shortage, lack, scarcity | 爲: good (ため), advantage, benefit, welfare, sake | Ｋ: K (ケイ), K (ケー), k, k, kilo- | 他: another place (ほか), some other place, somewhere else, outside, another (person or thing) |
| 厭: disliking (いや), disliking (や), disliking (イヤ), not wanting, not wanting | 我慢: endurance (がまん), endurance (ガマン), patience, patience, perseverance | 抑: in the first place (そもそも), to begin with, from the start, originally, ab initio | 一歩: (a) step (いっぽ), one step, level, stage, step |
| 後: behind (あと), rear, after, later, remainder | 方: direction (かた), way, person, lady, gentleman | 意: feelings (い), thoughts, meaning | 疑念: doubt (ぎねん), suspicion, misgivings, scruples |
| 制: system (せい), organization, organisation, imperial command, laws | 果: phala (attained state, result) (か), enlightenment (as the fruits of one’s Buddhist practice), fruit, counter for pieces of fruit, end (はたて) | 傾: slanting (ななめ), slanting (なのめ), tilted, tilted, sloping | 口: mouth (くち), opening, hole, gap, orifice |
| 辛: 8th in rank (かのと), 8th in rank (しん), eighth sign of the Chinese calendar, eighth sign of the Chinese calendar | 少: small (しょう), little, few | 此方: this way (こち), this way (こちら), this way (こっち), this direction, this direction | 内心: inner thoughts (ないしん), real intention, inmost heart, one’s mind, at heart |
| 人: -ian (e.g. Italian) (じん), -ite (e.g. Tokyoite), -er (e.g. performer, etc.), person working with …, man | 愛: love (あい), affection, care, attachment, craving | 眼: eye (め), eyeball, eyesight, sight, vision | 注: annotation (ちゅう), explanatory note, comment |
| 一所: one place (いっしょ), one place (ひとところ), the same place, the same place, one person | 世: world (よ), society, public, life, lifetime | 中: inside (なか), interior, among, within, middle | 好: friendship (ぎ), friendship (よしび), friendship (よしみ), friendly relations, friendly relations |
| 私達: we (わたくしたち), we (わたしたち), us, us | 餘: other (よ), another, remaining, leftover, over | 世間: world (せけん), society, people, the public | 心理: state of mind (しんり), mentality, psychology |
| 一度: once (いちど), once (ひとたび), one time, one time, on one occasion | 仕舞: end (しまい), close, finish, termination, noh dance in plain clothes | 何: what (なに), what (ナニ), you-know-what, you-know-what, that thing | 落: slip (おち), slip (オチ), omission, omission, upshot |
| 哲理: philosophic principles (てつり), philosophy | 承知: knowledge (しょうち), awareness, acceptance, consent, assent | 熱: heat (ねつ), fever, temperature, zeal, passion | 極: quite (ごく), very, 10^48, quindecillion, pole (きょく) |
| 理論家: theorist (りろんか) | 同時: simultaneous (どうじ), concurrent, same time, synchronous, together | 尤: superb (ゆう), outstanding | 迂遠: roundabout (うえん), indirect, circuitous, impractical, useless |