私は又警戒を加へました。けれども娘に對して前云つた位の強い愛をもつてゐる私が、其母に對していくら警戒を加へたつて何になるでせう。私は一人で自分を嘲笑しました。馬鹿だなといつて、自分を罵つた事もあります。然しそれだけの矛盾ならいくら馬鹿でも私は大した苦痛も感ぜずに濟んだのです。私の煩悶は、奥さんと同じやうに御孃さんも策略家ではなからうかといふ疑問に會つて始めて起るのです。二人が私の背後で打ち合せをした上、萬事を遣つてゐるのだらうと思ふと、私は急に苦しくつて堪らなくなるのです。不愉快なのではありません。絶體絶命のやうな行き詰つた心持になるのです。それでゐて私は、一方に御孃さんを固く信じて疑はなかつたのです。だから私は信念と迷ひの途中に立つて、少しも動く事が出來なくなつて仕舞ひました。私には何方も想像であり、又何方も眞實であつたのです。
translation
"I also added vigilance." However, since I have such a strong love for my daughter as I mentioned earlier, what would be the point of increasing my vigilance against her mother? I was alone and mocked myself. I even cursed myself for being stupid. However, even if I was an idiot, I could deal with such a contradiction without feeling much pain. My anguish only arises when I wonder if my daughter is a strategist, just like his wife. The two of them had a meeting behind my back, and when I thought that they were doing everything they could, I suddenly felt unbearable pain. It's not unpleasant. It becomes a dead end feeling like desperate situation. And yet, on the one hand, I firmly believed in the daughter, and there was no doubt about it. So I stood between faith and confusion, unable to move at all. Everything was my imagination, and everything was real.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 警戒: vigilance (けいかい), caution, alertness, precaution, being on guard | 加: addition (か), Canada | 娘: unmarried woman (じょう), Miss, -ess, -ette, daughter (むすめ) |
| 位: throne (くらい), crown, (nobleman’s) seat, government position, court rank | 強: a little over (きょう), a little more than, strength, the strong, powerhouse | 愛: love (あい), affection, care, attachment, craving | 警戒: vigilance (けいかい), caution, alertness, precaution, being on guard |
| 一人: one person (いちにん), one person (ひとり), being alone, being alone, being by oneself | 自分: myself (じぶん), yourself, oneself, himself, herself | 嘲笑: scornful laughter (ちょうしょう), ridicule, derision, sneer | 馬鹿: idiot (ばか), idiot (バカ), moron, moron, fool |
| 然: -like (ぜん), so (さ), like that, in that way, like that (しか) | 矛盾: contradiction (むじゅん), inconsistency | 大: large (おお), big, great, major, important | 苦痛: pain (くつう), agony, suffering, distress, torment |
| 煩悶: worry (はんもん), agony | 奥: inner part (おく), interior, back (of a drawer, one’s throat, etc.), depths (e.g. of a forest), recesses (e.g. of a cave) | 同: the same (どう), the said, likewise | 策略家: tactician (さくりゃくか), strategist, schemer, maneuverer |
| 起: source (おこり), origin, cause, beginning, genesis | 二人: two persons (ににん), two persons (ふたり), two people, two people, pair | 背後: back (はいご), rear, background, behind the scenes | 打: dozen (ダース), hitting a ball (with a bat, golf club, etc.) (だ), batting, stroke |
| 急: sudden (きゅう), abrupt, unexpected, urgent, pressing | 苦: pain (く), anguish, suffering, distress, anxiety | 不愉快: unpleasant (ふゆかい), disagreeable, displeasing, uncomfortable, unhappy | 絶命: end of life (ぜつめい), death, breathing one’s last |
| 詰: stuffing (つめ), stuffing (づめ), packing, packing, end (esp. the foot of a bridge) | 心持: feeling (こころもち), mood, sensation, disposition, mental attitude | 一方: one (esp. of two) (いっぽう), the other, one way, the other way, one direction | 信: honesty (しん), sincerity, fidelity, trust, reliance |
| 信念: belief (しんねん), faith, conviction | 途中: on the way (とちゅう), en route, in the middle of, midway, halfway | 少: small (しょう), little, few | 動: motion (どう) |
| 何方: which way (いずかた), which way (いずし), which way (いずち), which way (どち), which way (どちら) | 想像: imagination (そうぞう), supposition, guess | 何方: which way (いずかた), which way (いずし), which way (いずち), which way (どち), which way (どちら) |