私は母に對して反感を抱くと共に、子に對して戀愛の度を増して行つたのですから、三人の關係は、下宿した始めよりは段々複雜になつて來ました。尤も其變化は殆んど内面的で外へは現れて來なかつたのです。そのうち私はあるひよつとした機會から、今迄奥さんを誤解してゐたのではなからうかといふ氣になりました。奥さんの私に對する矛盾した態度が、どつちも僞りではないのだらうと考へ直して來たのです。其上、それが互違に奥さんの心を支配するのでなくつて、何時でも兩方が同時に奥さんの胸に存在してゐるのだと思ふやうになつたのです。つまり奥さんが出來るだけ御孃さんを私に接近させやうとしてゐながら、同時に私に警戒を加へてゐるのは矛盾の樣だけれども、其警戒を加へる時に、片方の態度を忘れるのでも翻へすのでも何でもなく、矢張依然として二人を接近させたがつてゐたのだと觀察したのです。たゞ自分が正當と認める程度以上に、二人が密着するのを忌むのだと解釋したのです。御孃さんに對して、肉の方面から近づく念の萌さなかつた私は、其時入らぬ心配だと思ひました。しかし奥さんを惡く思ふ氣はそれから無くなりました。
translation
As I developed an antipathy toward my mother, my affection for my son grew stronger, and the relationship between the three of us became more complicated than when we first started staying at the lodgings. Most of the changes, however, were internal and did not appear externally. One day, on a rare occasion, I began to wonder if I had misunderstood Okusan. I came to the conclusion that neither of Okusan's contradictory attitudes toward me was a lie. What's more, I came to believe that they weren't mutually exclusive to Okusan's mind, but that both of them existed at the same time in Okusan's heart at all times. In other words, it's a contradiction that your wife is trying to get the daughter as close to me as possible, while at the same time adding caution to me. However, there was nothing to change, and I observed that he still wanted the two of them to get close to each other. He explained that he hated the two of them getting too close to each other beyond what he thought was true. I had no intention of approaching the daughter from a physical point of view, so I thought it was an unreasonable concern. However, I no longer felt bad for my wife.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 母: mother (あも), mother (いろは), mother (おも), mother (かか), mother (はは) | 對: versus (たい), against, vs., v., to (e.g. score of 4 to 2, ratio of 3 to 1, vote of 320 to 180) | 反感: antipathy (はんかん), antagonism, animosity, revulsion, ill feeling |
| 子: child (こ), kid, teenager, youngster, young (non-adult) person | 度: time (three times, each time, etc.) (たび), time (three times, each time, etc.) (たんび), times, times, degree (angle, temperature, scale, etc.) (ど) | 増: increase (ぞう) | 行: line (of text) (ぎょう), row, verse, carya (austerities), samskara (formations) |
| 下宿: boarding (げしゅく), lodging, board and lodging, room and board, boarding house | 段々: notches (ぎざぎざ), notches (ギザギザ), serration, serration, indentation | 尤: superb (ゆう), outstanding | 殆: quite (ほとほと), utterly, really, completely |
| 外: outside (そと), outside (と), exterior, exterior, the open (air) | 現: reality (うつつ), consciousness, present (e.g. government, administration) (げん), current, existing | 今迄: until now (いままで), so far, up to the present | 奥: inner part (おく), interior, back (of a drawer, one’s throat, etc.), depths (e.g. of a forest), recesses (e.g. of a cave) |
| 氣: spirit (き), mind, heart, nature, disposition | 奥: inner part (おく), interior, back (of a drawer, one’s throat, etc.), depths (e.g. of a forest), recesses (e.g. of a cave) | 矛盾: contradiction (むじゅん), inconsistency | 態度: attitude (たいど), manner, behaviour, demeanour, bearing |
| 直: straight (なお), ordinary, common, doing nothing, earnestly (ひた) | 心: mind (こころ), heart, spirit, the meaning of a phrase (riddle, etc.), heart (しん) | 支配: rule (しはい), domination, control, direction, management | 何時: when (いつ), at what time, how soon, normal times, ordinary days |
| 胸: chest (むな), chest (むね), breast, breast, breasts | 存在: existence (そんざい), being, presence | 接近: getting closer (せっきん), drawing nearer, approaching, being not much different, being near (age, skill, etc.) | 警戒: vigilance (けいかい), caution, alertness, precaution, being on guard |
| 警戒: vigilance (けいかい), caution, alertness, precaution, being on guard | 時: time (とき), hour, moment, occasion, case | 片方: one side (かたほう), one party, the other side, the other party, one (of a pair) | 翻: waste-water container (tea ceremony) (こぼし), han (ハン), han (ファン), fan, fan |
| 矢張: as expected (やはり), sure enough, just as one thought, after all (is said and done), in the end | 依然: still (いぜん), as yet, as it has been | 依然: still (いぜん), as yet, as it has been | 二人: two persons (ににん), two persons (ふたり), two people, two people, pair |
| 程度: degree (ていど), amount, grade, standard, of the order of (following a number) | 以上: not less than … (いじょう), … and over, … and above, … and upwards, … or more | 以上: not less than … (いじょう), … and over, … and above, … and upwards, … or more | 密着: close adhesion (みっちゃく), sticking firmly (to), being glued (to), relating closely (to), having relevance (to) |
| 肉: flesh (にく), meat, flesh (of a fruit), pulp, the physical body (as opposed to the spirit) | 方面: direction (ほうめん), district, area, field (e.g. of study), sphere | 念: sense (ねん), idea, thought, feeling, desire | 心配: worry (しんぱい), concern, anxiety, uneasiness, fear |
| 無: nothing (む), naught, nought, nil, zero |