私は斯ういふ事でよく先生から失望させられた。先生はそれに氣が付いてゐる樣でもあり、又全く氣が付かない樣でもあつた。私は又輕微な失望を繰り返しながら、それがために先生から離れて行く氣にはなれなかつた。寧ろそれとは反對で、不安に搖かされる度に、もつと前へ進みたくなつた。もつと前へ進めば、私の豫期するあるものが、何時か眼の前に滿足に現はれて來るだらうと思つた。私は若かつた。けれども凡ての人間に對して、若い血が斯う素直に働かうとは思はなかつた。私は何故先生に對して丈斯んな心持が起るのか解らなかつた。それが先生の亡くなつた今日になつて、始めて解つて來た。先生は始めから私を嫌つてゐたのではなかつたのである。先生が私に示した時々の素氣ない挨拶や冷淡に見える動作は、私を遠けやうとする不快の表現ではなかつたのである。傷ましい先生は、自分に近づかうとする人間に、近づく程の價値のないものだから止せといふ警告を與へたのである。他の懷かしみに應じない先生は、他を輕蔑する前に、まづ自分を輕蔑してゐたものと見える。
translation
I was often disappointed by my teachers in this regard. Sensei seemed to notice it, and at other times he didn't notice it at all. Again, I was overwhelmed by a slight sense of disappointment, but because of this I could not bring myself to leave my teacher. On the contrary, every time I was shaken by anxiety, I wanted to move forward even more. I thought that if I kept moving forward, something I'd hoped for would someday appear to my satisfaction. I was young However, I never thought that young blood would act so obediently against all human beings. I didn't understand why I had such stubborn feelings toward Sensei. It was only today, the day Sensei passed away, that I came to understand this. Sensei didn't hate me from the beginning. The occasional cold greetings and cold-hearted gestures Sensei showed me were not an expression of displeasure trying to push me away. The hurtful teacher warned anyone who tried to get close to him to stop because he was worthless to get close to. Sensei, who does not respond to others' disrespect, seems to have first disrespected himself before disrespecting others.
kanji (pronunciations & definitions)
| 私: I (わたし), me, I (あたくし), I (あたし), I (アタシ) | 事: thing (こと), thing (こん), matter, matter, incident | 先生: teacher (せんせい), instructor, master, sensei, title or form of address for a teacher, master, doctor, lawyer, etc. | 失望: disappointment (しつぼう), despair |
| 付: furnished with (つき), furnished with (づき), furnished with (ツキ), including, including | 返: number of times (へん), reply, answer | 離: li (one of the trigrams of the I Ching: fire, south) (り) | 行: line (of text) (ぎょう), row, verse, carya (austerities), samskara (formations) |
| 不安: anxiety (ふあん), uneasiness, worry, apprehension, fear | 度: time (three times, each time, etc.) (たび), time (three times, each time, etc.) (たんび), times, times, degree (angle, temperature, scale, etc.) (ど) | 前: point (さき), tip, end, nozzle, head (of a line) | 何時: when (いつ), at what time, how soon, normal times, ordinary days |
| 滿足: satisfaction (まんぞく), contentment, gratification, sufficient, satisfactory | 現: reality (うつつ), consciousness, present (e.g. government, administration) (げん), current, existing | 若: youth (わか), child (esp. of the young son of someone of high social standing), young, new, like (こと) | 凡: about (おおよそ), roughly, approximately, generally, on the whole |
| 對: versus (たい), against, vs., v., to (e.g. score of 4 to 2, ratio of 3 to 1, vote of 320 to 180) | 血: blood (ち), blood, ancestry, lineage, stock | 素直: obedient (すなお), meek, docile, unaffected, honest | 何故: why (なぜ), why (なにゆえ), how, how |
| 先生: teacher (せんせい), instructor, master, sensei, title or form of address for a teacher, master, doctor, lawyer, etc. | 心持: feeling (こころもち), mood, sensation, disposition, mental attitude | 起: source (おこり), origin, cause, beginning, genesis | 解: solution (of an equation, inequality, etc.) (かい), root (e.g. of a polynomial), solution (to a given problem), answer, explanation |
| 今日: today (きょう), today (こんじつ), today (こんち), today (こんにち), this day | 嫌: disliking (いや), disliking (や), disliking (イヤ), not wanting, not wanting | 時々: sometimes (ときどき), occasionally, at times, from time to time, now and then | 挨拶: greeting (あいさつ), greetings, salutation, salute, condolences |
| 見: looking (み), viewing, (please) try (to), view (of life, etc.) (けん), outlook | 動作: movement (of the body) (どうさ), action, motion, gesture, bearing | 遠: distant (とお) | 不快: displeasure (ふかい), discomfort, unpleasantness, indisposition, ailment |
| 傷: wound (きず), wound (キズ), injury, injury, cut | 自分: myself (じぶん), yourself, oneself, himself, herself | 程: extent (ほど), degree, measure, limit, bounds | 警告: warning (けいこく), advice |
| 懷: inside the breast of one’s clothing (esp. kimono) (ふところ), bosom, (breast) pocket, space between one’s chest and outstretched arms, (one’s) reach |